CAN'T MISS (ⒶⓅ)

obscenely domestic starter sentences

❝ Stop man-handling the ice cream! ❞
❝ Change the channel and I’ll kill you. ❞
❝ You actual shit, you started without me!? ❞
❝ Since I’m up, by default I will get your _____. ❞
❝ Did you just throw a sock ball at me!? ❞
❝ How about this, how about you fight the rest of the cereal by yourself and I’ll courageously make pancakes for those of us who want a little warmth in our mornings. ❞
❝ Whiskey is a breakfast staple, anyone who says otherwise is fucking lying. ❞
❝ My underwear are now bright pink because of you, thank you very much. ❞
❝ Can you stop kicking me? ❞
❝ I don’t go shopping I get and retrieve. I have a narrow focus, unlike some people. ❞
❝ Did you walk the dog? ❞
❝ You, me, PJ’s, pizza, bed. The PJ’s are optional. ❞
❝ Only you could make the idea of beating up already dead meat sound attractive. ❞
❝ I can feel you staring at me, why don’t you just come in? ❞
❝ Good news; we have internet again! ❞
❝ I don’t want to file taxes, why don’t you be the adult? ❞
❝ You snuggling me over an open flame is an invitation for my nipples to disappear. ❞
❝ I know you’re scared of my mother but contemplating arson isn’t the way to fix this. ❞
❝ I installed a stripper pole while you were gone because it made me think of you. ❞
❝ All I was doing was helping the barista learn to spell my name properly. The song and dance should NOT have gotten you that embarrassed. ❞
❝ How about we just never mention this again? ❞
❝ Have you seen my earrings/necklace/rings? ❞
❝ You are literally the child we both want/neither of us want. ❞
❝ Did you call the doctor about that? ❞
❝ Let me pop it, just let me pop it, nothing bad will happen, I swear! ❞
❝ You almost left me at the gas station! ❞
❝ Alright look! Next time you want to barbecue with the hair dryer, just make sure I’m home! ❞
❝ I didn’t think the sink had this much water inside of it. ❞
❝ Don’t be mad, but _____. ❞
Bonus for multi-lingual situations:
❝ Can you translate the news for me? None of this makes sense. ❞
❝ What is the word for this? *points at ____* I keep wanting to say ‘printer’ but I feel that is wrong. ❞
❝ Next time she calls you a ____ you just reply with _____. ❞
❝ I’m sorry but my pronunciation must sound really bad to you. ❞
❝ Shit! The government doesn’t have my alphabet, put this in a way I understand! ❞
❝ Can you finger spell that for me, I’m not quite up to that level yet. ❞
❝ That was said so horribly wrong but you sounded very cute while trying. A for effort. ❞